So I have used the phrase "the year I lost my mind" but what does that really mean? It has been a very difficult, challenging, and trying year for me even though it has been filled with some good things. I have had to grapple with what my life means now that I am out of school. It was a sad realization that I had no other real concrete goals for myself, that I really didn't even know myself. The five years I spent pursuing my Undergraduate education had given me tools, experiences, and exposure to many amazing things but I had really never taken the time to piece it all together -- to figure out who I really was and what kind of person I wanted to be. More often than not I found myself diving into one project and then another, stuffing my brain with as much activity as possible so I would never be forced to think about the more difficult questions at hand. And in between, if I DID somehow end up with some down time, I drank. I drank a lot and I smoked a lot of cigarettes and I partied. Anything to distract myself from the hollow emptiness I felt growing the closer I got to graduating.
Post graduation and life took a huge "reality crap" on me. I met the person my best friend REALLY was and in essence lost her, struggled with finances, and dealt with the declining mental health of my mother and being a sole caregiver. This all in the midst of the most crippling depression I have felt in a really long time. I smiled at my graduation because I knew I was supposed to -- but I have never felt LESS accomplished than I did in that moment. My life was now a blur shadowed with feelings of inadequacy and unhappiness. I had reached the peak of ultimate burn out.
But I have managed to do some productive things this year in spite of all the challenges.
- I quit smoking, for good this time
- I quit drinking
- I started going to a therapist
- I got a job with good benefits
- I'm working on improving my physical health
- I'm making plans and setting goals
- I'm planning our wedding and future travels
All the positive and negative things that have happened in this year I feel are stepping stones in the direction of self-improvement and the development of the person I ultimately want to be. All my life I have lived in the shadow of my own turbulent emotions and this year and the next are the times I learn to face my demons and best of all, overcome them.
